Why I Thought I Could Cage You and Other Crazy Ideas I Had
- EchoWave
- Feb 10
- 4 min read
Have you ever caught yourself thinking something so out of touch with reality that you couldn't believe it? It's surprising how our minds twist feelings into odd beliefs, leading us to question our actions later. In this post, I’m sharing my experience of resenting someone simply for being themselves and how I mistakenly believed I could control who they were.
A Strange Conundrum
Relationships often have a captivating yet challenging side. We can become so drawn to someone’s personality that we lose sight of reality. Somewhere along the way, I started to envision a metaphorical cage for you, convincing myself that I could reshape you to fit my expectations.
This realization was bewildering. I found myself wondering who I really thought I was! It is all too easy to idealize what we want someone to be instead of accepting them as they are. According to research, about 70% of people struggle with unrealistic expectations in relationships. Clearly, I'm not alone in this.
The Desire to Control
The desire to control can seep into our relationships without us even noticing. When we care about someone, we want them to feel safe and comfortable. However, there's a thin line between nurturing that love and trying to manipulate someone into fitting our idea of happiness.
I thought that if I could just influence your choices a little, everything would turn out better for both of us. I mistakenly believed that steering you away from specific habits would lead to a more joyful relationship. But I discovered, often the hard way, that this mindset only made me frustrated and resentful. A 2019 study found that people who try to control their partners report lower satisfaction in their relationships—this was indeed my experience.
Realization of My Mistake
A pivotal moment arrived when I asked myself, “Why am I angry at you for being who you are?” This question triggered a wave of introspection. I realized that my attempts to change you were creating distance between us. Seeking to control someone often stems from a fear of losing them, and I found myself caught in that cycle.
Embracing someone’s quirks and individuality can be challenging. Instead of pushing against what made you unique, I could have celebrated those differences. I learned that loving someone means accepting them completely, flaws included.
The Consequences of Clinging to Control
The consequences of my need for control were significant. It strained our relationship and made me confront my insecurities. Wanting to control you revealed a lot about my fears—fear of inadequacy and fear of losing connection. A 2021 study found that when partners focus on control rather than support, it can lead to anxiety and unhappiness in the relationship.
I recognized that my unmet expectations were suffocating us both. Sometimes, we become prisoners of our own making by not allowing others to be who they truly are.
Embracing Authenticity
As I waded through my self-doubt, I came to an uplifting realization: authenticity is essential in any meaningful relationship. You, like everyone, need space to grow and embrace life’s ups and downs. This understanding was liberating.
Life is far too short to cling to unrealistic ideals. Instead of wishing you fit my mold, I started appreciating the unique traits that define you. This shift didn’t happen overnight, but it laid the groundwork for a deeper bond built on acceptance and understanding.
Lessons Learned
My journey taught me vital lessons. First, our connections thrive when we allow each other to be authentic. Trying to mold our loved ones leads to suffering for both parties.
Moreover, it’s crucial to remember that everyone has their own journey. The desire to control may start from love, but it can quickly evolve into a need for dominance, ultimately resulting in resentment.
Here’s the funny part: it is human to entertain wild thoughts. The key is to spot when these thoughts go too far and to tackle them directly.
Moving Forward
Reflecting on my experience, I feel thankful for the growth it inspired. Instead of envisioning a cage, I now imagine a garden where both of us can flourish. Our conversations have evolved, fostering open dialogues about feelings and boundaries.
By releasing the urge to control you, I found freedom in our relationship—not just for you, but for myself as well. This newfound freedom allows us to explore different dynamics, try new experiences, and face uncertainties together.
A Journey Worth Taking
This path of self-discovery and healing is rarely straightforward. I learned that trying to cage someone turns love into a burden, while acceptance makes it a rewarding experience.
Next time you find yourself wrestling with similar thoughts, take a moment to pause. Reflect on what’s driving those feelings and whether they're fostering growth or hindering it. Here’s to embracing authenticity and nurturing relationships built on freedom—both for yourself and the ones you cherish.
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